Maybe, just maybe...

I am not even sure exactly when it happened, but at some point during the last week, my sweet little boy ran up to me, grabbed my head with both his hands, pulled it close for inspection and with great enthusiasm said, "Mommy, your hair is growing back!"

If you have seen me lately, I look the same as this picture taken a couple weeks ago! The scene above really just made us all chuckle and when people have inquired about my hair and when it might start growing back, I tell them most emphatically that Sawyer says it already is!

One thing is for sure though, if there was anyone who has paid close attention to my bald head from the start and would notice any change, it would be Sawyer! Of course he helped us shave it, but since then he has rubbed it constantly, ripped my hat off to proudly show it off, smacked it, kissed it, and told me a zillion times that he "loves me even though I don't have any hair!"

I have to admit, as I tossed and turned last night to get comfy in bed, I noticed I am starting to make a scratching sound on my pillow AND tonight in the shower it definitely felt scratchy all over instead of just some spots. I don't think just looking anyone would notice, but maybe, just maybe...

My sweet Sawyer is right!




*I typed this post using the blogger app on my iPhone, so I have no idea how it will look and where the photo I added will be, but I had to give it a try sometime!

The same, but different

I woke up, got dressed, went down to eat breakfast and read my devotional, just the same as I do every morning, even on chemo mornings, but today was different.  There was a pep in my step and to quote Larry the Cable Guy, I was ready to "get 'er done!"  I was even more ready for the day after reading the first paragraph for June 18 in Jesus Calling:

YOU ARE MY BELOVED CHILD.  I chose you before the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along paths designed uniquely for you.  Concentrate on keeping in step with Me, instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you.  If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment. 

Wow, so amazing to be reminded, yet again, that my awesome God walks with me where ever I go, even down paths I may have never thought I would travel, but ones that were designed uniquely for me!  And out pops Jeremiah 29:11 again with the reminder that if I trust God's word, I can RELAX and ENJOY all that today has to offer!  God is good, all the time!

So, there may have been a pep in my step, but motivating Jason to get going was the SAME as always!  My sweet man is NOT a morning person, he wants to wake up 5 minutes before time to leave, he doesn't eat breakfast right away, and he doesn't have much to say!  It always makes me smile to think about how different he and I can be in so many ways, yet it makes us perfect for one another! 

We fly to the front of the Cancer Hospital, where Jason drops me off at 8:35 for an 8:30 appointment and I still have to check in!  I'll let you decide if that's the same or different! ;-)   The same sweet lady runs down my appointments for the day, hands me my number and tells me to watch the screen for my turn to visit the registration desk.  The registration process is one that makes me chuckle, I guess I feel like I should have earned a frequent flyer card for being there every other Monday for 4 months and they should know that:

Yes, my address, my home number, my cell number and my birth date are the SAME!
Yes, my insurance is the same!
Yes, I have a port!
Yes, I know the hospital's billing procedures!

Oh well, I know everyone has their procedures, so I just politely answered their questions and waited patiently as they filled out paper after paper for my 3 appointments. 

Accessing my port was first, and the same sweet lady greeted me at the door with hugs.  Shelly was my favorite and it always made my day when I saw her smiling face.  Today was different though, that may very well have been the last time my port was accessed.  I am hoping my port will be taken out during surgery (I've been instructed to ask my surgeon if he will do that, so I don't have to go back again to have it removed).  Don't get me wrong, I LOVED my port!  It did make life much easier for chemo purposes, there was no need for an IV each time (we all know that some folks have that skill and some folks don't) and there was no burning,  My reasons for wanting it out ASAP are simple, it's something in my body that is not supposed to be there and I have a rough and tough four year old who has to be sick and tired of me saying "be easy, watch Mommy's port" because frankly, I am sick of saying it and I am ready to get this body back to normal!

Once my port has been accessed and my blood has been drawn, I am off to visit my doctor.  Each time I go, they check my weight, height, blood pressure, temperature, oxygen level, etc.  So this time was much the same, one thing that was very different was my blood pressure!  My first visit back in March had the nurses in a tizzy, they said to me "Honey, is your blood pressure always this high?"  My response was, "No, but I think I'm allowed to have high blood pressure, I am 30 and was just diagnosed with breast cancer and today is my very first chemo treatment!"  Needless to say, they moved on and said nothing else about my blood pressure.  This time my blood pressure was normal and nothing was even mentioned.  What a difference it makes when it's your first treatment versus your LAST! 

Today we saw the nurse practitioner, Anna Kate, since Dr. Muss was on vacation.  We have seen her several times and we really like her.  Jason commented on the fact that she always hugs me too, which you know I love, I'm a hugger! But there's also that personal connection, that they remember me, they've gotten to know me, they are on my team!  This visit was much the same, a review of how my last treatment went, an exam, all my questions, and then came the different part, the realization that visiting my oncologist will be a part of the rest of my life!  But this is my path and there is someone bigger than I, walking with me today and every day!

Although we were a few minutes late, today everything timed out perfectly and we hit infusion with only 2 folks ahead of us to be seated.  We ended up in chair 47, which was a private room!  I agree with Mo and will call it "rock star treatment!"  You have more room, the TV is at a much better location, so Jason enjoyed the "American Picker's" marathon, and we even cut the lights out for my nap!  Took the same amount of time and even had one of the same nurses we've had before, but today was different!  It was MY turn for the celebration and song!  I'm not sure that I wrote about this, but we had just sat down for my first treatment, high blood pressure and all, and sweet Patty with the flower in her hair was giving us the run down and all the sudden we hear clapping and noise makers and then they break out in song, "For she's a jolly good fellow..." Someone had just finished their last chemo!  Don't get me wrong, I was happy for them, but hearing that and just sitting down for my first, made the road seem long, would I ever get to hear that song?  Well, guess what folks?  I did!  Oh, what a sweet, sweet moment!

Friends, you have loved and prayed me through phase 1 of this journey and I thank you with my whole heart! Tomorrow marks the beginning of phase 2, as we meet with the surgeons and set a date for surgery.  I know there will be lots of information coming my way, so my posse will be there with me, to listen, ask questions, take notes, and hold me together! :-) 

 I just have to remember, what's on the inside that makes me who I am, will remain the same, but the outside will just look a little different and different is not always bad, right?

Then there was one...

I can't even go to sleep tonight, I'm still awake, praising my awesome God, my Redeemer, and my Healer!  I have only one more chemo treatment left and part one of this journey will be complete.  When I heard eight treatments, one every other Monday, that was four months.  It seemed like such a long time, but those four months have flown by and the end of chemo is in sight! 

This is a busy time of the year with lots of fun things to be a part of and we haven't missed a beat, or at least we try not to, but I'll admit, I'm tired, my energy level is not what it normally is.  My favorite phrase has become, "I pooped out and couldn't finish (fill in the blank)" to which my four year old replies, "Mommy, you need to go the potty?"  Well, that same sweet four year old is causing some mental and emotional exhaustion as well.  He is 100% boy, no longer interested in napping, obsessed with Power Rangers, wants to do everything on his own and be a "big boy," but still longs to be "Mommy's baby" all at the same time.  He is "lawyering" (as we call it) at me one minute, but then rubbing my bald head telling me he loves me and that I'm pretty, the next!  There is just never a dull moment around here and I have no doubt he'll continue to keep me on my toes all summer!  

Part two of this journey will be surgery.  This was a topic I didn't want to think about, much less talk about for quite a while, but like everything else, God has given me the courage and strength I need to be ready to walk down this path as well. My last chemo is scheduled for June 18.  I have three appointments every chemo day, labs, oncologist, and then infusion.  I am also scheduled for another mammogram on the 18th.  Even though I just had one at the beginning of May, they want a more current one for the surgeons.  I am hoping to receive a phone call by the end of the week confirming an appointment with my surgeon and plastic surgeon for June 20.  This will hopefully mean a definite date for surgery on my calendar!  I do know I have to wait 3 weeks after my last chemo before I can have surgery.  So that puts us in the middle of July for sure, but we hope to squeeze in a family trip or two before surgery, so I think it will work out perfectly!

I had tucked my big girl panties away after my liver MRI, but I pulled them out again today and for about 30 minutes (before that darn benadryl kicked in and knocked me out) I looked up information about a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery.  I was quickly reminded why I don't often look things up on my own!  There is WAY to much information out there and for those of you who know me well, know that I like the experts to explain it to me in person, in black and white!  I am now at least familiar with the options, but I covet your prayers as we make those decisions in the coming weeks and as we prepare Sawyer for my surgery,  hospital stay and recovery.  

So, for now, I will take my last expensive shot tomorrow, finish up the school year next week, remember why I love being a teacher, and party on the 18th because...

then there was one!